• on getting back on the board after a slam

    Day 8 of my nicotine-withdrawal–heart-purge–existential-crisis–ego-death–dark-night combo. Almost-full moon practicing its interpretive dance, and I’ve long lost count of how many planets are dancing backwards, exploding in microwaves, swimming in Gatorade, making lemonade… I took a breath. Like a real, deep breath – like my name means. My brain had enough leftover rage to stun a crocodile, and my eyes had shed enough tears to fill a bathtub that I don’t even own that it was time to… re-center. To say the least.

    Solution? A post-work DM run: German practice reading labels, plus self-love goodies that both me and my wallet appreciate. Now I’m home, with my overachieving hydrating eye mask doing its miracle work (hello, my eyes have definitely over-worked this week). Warm fruity porridge that I was craving with extra goji berries and rose hip jam on the side, because apparently food is therapy, especially if you’re eating your childhood-favorite jam. (Fun fact: I’ve finally learned how to say “rose hip” in Bernese. My brain had been quietly bothered that it couldn’t say the name while looking at her favorite little bushes like a little kid on the trail.) Honey-laced herbal tea, because tea > tears. Aare-colored candles flickering like tiny “you got this” cheerleaders. Essential oils in a chocolate fondue pot because normal burners are for normies. Cozy mood lights. Emotional support Christmas Dachsy plushie judging my life choices from its lap throne. Gilmore Girls on for top-tier Lorelai-and-Rory banter, so I don’t feel alone in my weirdness.

    And yes, my heart stopped hurting when I thought of listening to Mundart music. My soul is vibing. I’m out here being homesick for a place that’s not my home. A dialect I don’t speak but love with all the cells in my body: I softened up. The storm has passed, for tonight. Tears are on a break. I am a fully hydrated, slightly ridiculous adult who survived herself… again.

    My eyes and nose are gently reminded that sensitive tissues exist for a reason: blowing your nose with toilet paper is an ancient form of torture, as I’ve learned the hard way. Extra points for the Aare-colored packaging. I basically have software installed in my brain to pick and find colors that match that specific shade of blue-green that’s been my favorite since forever, and despite being a graphic designer, I don’t know what it’s originally called, but I can find its Pantone code.

    So here’s to sensitive tissues, herbal teas, warm lights, being surrounded by your favorite color, plushies, and unapologetically caring for yourself on the hard days. I just had to remember that the best love is the one you give yourself. 

    PS. Tea with pasiflora is basically a legal high. No smoking, no snorting required.

  • on having been thrown into the flames of your life force without your consent 

    It was December 2023. I felt young, wild, and free. Happy. Unaware. I jumped in snow like a labrador who’d just discovered winter, swam in cold seas I had no business being in, danced on a stranger’s shoulders (as one does), hiked up a mountain (half of it in a snowstorm) and spent New Year’s Eve in a hut at 3500m with fireworks like the universe was showing off.

    January started pretty adventurous as well; then came the 14th. Something shifted that day. I started grieving the most fun month I’d ever had, convinced I’d never experience anything like it again. I was side-eyeing myself like… really? THIS is the end of fun? Sounds dramatic even for me.

    Fast forward to December 2025, and yeah: past-me wasn’t entirely delusional. It wasn’t that I’d never have fun again. No. But I somehow felt the tidal wave of changes coming: the growth, the ego-deaths, the rebirths, the purges, the dark nights, the awareness that shows up uninvited like it pays rent.

    Of course nothing is the same. The version of me who had mindless fun, blissfully unaware of anything except snowflakes and cute cows, has retired. Or let’s say she’s been upgraded. Frontal lobe fully online. She doesn’t act 15 anymore, shockingly.

    And since awakenings come in waves like some cosmic emotional CrossFit, I still have fun… just in slow-motion, adult-appropriate form. With nourishment and self-care wedged between. I can’t drink alcohol these days. Apparently my body filed a complaint. And sure, you don’t need alcohol to have fun, but insisting on doing things “the old way” tends to catapult me straight back into grieving-mode. Grieving her. Grieving him. Because everything truly started when I met him. And no wonder I didn’t feel ready: nobody would be ready for that. I swear, I would’ve avoided him for five more years if someone had handed me a spoiler of what was coming: “Your entire life? Yeah… that’s about to change.”

    I lost control after meeting him. Slowly. So slowly I didn’t notice until two years later. My old identity being peeled off layer by layer. The purges, the dark nights, the cycles; soft enough at first that I barely noticed. I remember every loop since that unsuspecting first meeting in January 2023. It wasn’t supposed to go this way. He was supposed to be a random guy. A fun detour. My brain had a meltdown accepting any of it. Not my feelings, not the fated cycles, not the lack of control, not the way my old life quietly dissolved behind me without asking for permission.

    So today, on the two-year anniversary of the weekend I cannot forget, I put on the bag I was wearing then. I had already branded it as the “fasnacht bag.” Another most fun night of my life. And when I opened it and found five tiny pieces of confetti, just sitting there like emotional landmines I cried. Obviously. I’m already listening on repeat to the song I’d attached to that weekend. The lyrics make no sense for the situation, but the rhythm does, and apparently that’s enough.

    So yeah, today I’m missing her. The girl who lost her damn mind over falling snow. The girl who got taken to a beautiful Christmas Market where everything felt like a fairytale. High on life. Happy in a way she didn’t even know how to appreciate because she didn’t know what was coming. She was just enjoying her Suze disguised in an apfelschorle bottle, the snow, the warm drinks, the random magic of the moment. And he was just… a guy. A sweet smile she hadn’t seen in eight months. Not a catalytic, life-rearranging presence that threw her into the fires of her own life force sent from the universe with mysterious paperwork labeled “Awakening: Good Luck.” Back then, he was just this quietly charming man who had accidentally slipped under her skin on April 1st, 2023, and refused to leave since then. A cosmic joke. I sincerely hope someone up there is laughing, because I am not. This isn’t some romantic fairy-tale. This is: 

    it’s like walking through fire that doesn’t burn,

    but teaches you to glow.

    like free diving into the deep,

    only to discover you can breathe underwater.

    being buried in the dark, rich soil

    to crack open and rise toward the sun.

    like falling from a cliff,

    only to realize you could always fly; 

    where the wind doesn’t break you,

    it carries you home.

    But honestly I wish he had stayed just some guy. I didn’t sign up for any of this, at least not consciously. And if my life was always supposed to change, I’d have preferred to go through the earthquake alone, rebuild alone, walk through the fire alone without a catalytic person ever entering my life… and then, maybe, meet him after, as just a guy. Not as a catalyst. Not as a lesson. After the smoke cleared. After the rebirth. Anything but this.

    But apparently, I didn’t get a conscious vote in any of it. Of course I didn’t.

  • Some pain doesn’t leave. It sits in the basement, filing its nails, waiting for the moment your nervous system is finally stable enough to handle the punchline. If I had tried to feel all this a year ago, it would’ve destroyed me. And I promised myself he was never going to be the thing that destroyed me. I kept that promise like a contract signed in blood and glitter.

    So now I’m here, letting myself feel the things I blocked, dodged, swallowed, compartmentalized. I got the previews in July and October. Mini-tsunamis. This one’s the full ocean.

    I recently quit snus, my three-year nicotine pacifier. Anytime I felt anything, I’d pop one in like I was silencing an alarm. I picked it up when I was already wrecked, spiritually concussed, and raw. My nervous system couldn’t handle basic life. Snus helped me cope, then it owned me.

    Now my system can actually hold me without collapsing. So snus is out, herbal tea is in, and my skin looks like it’s on some kind of redemption arc. At least something’s glowing.

    And now comes the release.

    I needed care when you needed “quiet.” You ghosted me for the first two days of the year after New Year’s Eve. The cosmic reset. The moment everyone celebrates the future, and I was standing there realizing you didn’t think of me at all.

    I bought you a massage gun for Christmas because your hip hurt. And because I knew we were ending, and I wanted you to still get comfort until someone else gave it to you. You didn’t even write me a card. It wasn’t about the object, it was about being considered. You said you were going to. I got the text instead. 

    I kept smiling. Fake ones. Drank, smoked, abused snus; anything to avoid breaking down in front of you. My heart felt like it had taken a thousand papercuts and I still served afternoon snacks and cleaned up so you’d come home to calm instead of chaos. You didn’t want any of that, apparently.

    You’d say you felt like I didn’t respect your opinions and feelings, and I apoligize for making you feel that way, I was simply expressing my own feelings and thoughts, and just because I didn’t agree with you, didn’t mean what you thought it did. You didn’t even acknowledge the effect your actions would have on me, because you didn’t care. 

    You said you appreciated my efforts, probably because you sensed how unhappy I was beneath the surface but didn’t want to address it. I needed you to acknowledge the damage you caused. What was done, traumatized me. A year later, I’m still climbing out of that vortex. I didn’t deserve any of it. Sure, I annoyed you back when you were pissing me off, because I have my own sense of justice as much as you do, but what you did tipped the scale off. 

    Because I had the same urges you had. The same thoughts. A little after my birthday, I felt the same temptation you acted on. I stopped myself. I said, “No, I can’t do that to him.”

    But that’s how I knew. I felt anxious and stressed out since then. Even when I tried gaslighting my own intuition and tried calming myself down, I felt something was wrong. 

    That’s the difference between us. I feel deeply, I act impulsively sometimes, sure. But I don’t weaponize it. You did. You gave the silent treatment. Call it whatever you want to call it, it felt like that to me at the time. You lied. You made excuses. I let you have those moments because a) I didn’t want to cause drama, and get called crazy, and b) the more you let people think they can do whatever they want and get away with it, the more they show their true colors, and the heavier the karmic load gets. 

    You didn’t care how it would scar me. How it would deepen wounds I was already carrying. “It’s her problem, or the next guy’s.” That’s how you lived.

    Is that why, months later, the only thing you gave me was: “No, I just didn’t reply to you.” That was your explanation for treating me like a nuisance while I chased you for closure, calling, texting, begging for a human conversation. For basic human decency. You ended it over text, vanished, and then haunted my dreams for two months straight with this theme night after night: me running after you to talk, you avoiding me.

    That does something to a person. Being invisible like that. Being treated like a glitch in someone’s peripheral vision instead of a human being you once held, touched, laughed with. Not being seen, not being acknowledged, not even granted the basic dignity of being heard. And no, I don’t have the emotional range of a grain of rice. I can care about people even when we’re over. I don’t need a title, a status update, or a neatly printed label to tell me whether someone’s feelings matter. But you do, apparently. For you, caring only exists if there’s a nameplate attached. The fact that someone is alive, breathing, and feeling right in front of you isn’t enough for you to extend humanity when it doesn’t serve your interests. And that leaves a mark. A very real one.

    I still dream about you. The scales are still imbalanced. Silence doesn’t erase karma. Sometimes in my dreams my subconscious paints you as someone who cares. Which is what would balance out the scale eventually. 

    People didn’t let me grieve. They congratulated me. Like I should’ve been throwing confetti. Like I hadn’t lost someone I loved. I had to pretend I was relieved, unbothered, “free.” I couldn’t even tell my mother anything, she hates you, and strangers projected their opinions onto a story they didn’t understand. No one let me have feelings.

    You became the villain. I became the fool for ever loving you.

    And I had zero support. So I kept it all inside. And here I am, almost a year later, still dealing with it alone, still waking up from dreams where you’re avoiding me like it’s a sport.

    I don’t regret staying. It was part of a lesson I apparently had to learn. I do regret masking the pain. Pretending everything was fine.

    Because here’s the truth: I enjoyed being with you. I knew our time was finite. I wanted us to end without hurting each other. But that’s not what happened. You left scars anyway. You always said you had a feeling that it wasn’t going to end well. I never had that feeling. You ended it badly. That is on you. 

    And I’m finally letting myself feel it. All of it. And in this world where emotions are treated like a contagious disease; where hurting after being hurt is branded as “pathetic” I refuse to play along. None of this makes me dumb. It makes me human. It makes me a young woman still learning how humans… well, human. It means my heart didn’t calcify into a decorative rock. It means I’m still capable of love, depth, and not closing my heart just because someone else couldn’t handle their own side of the story with grace. 

  • “Does my breath smell like onions?”

    “Yeah.”

    “Well, you should’ve eaten some, too.”

    dream wisdom

    Apparently my clone decided to demolish an onion pie in some parallel universe yesterday and my soul, being the nosy little antenna that it is, synced right into the experience like Netflix autoplay but for karmic cuisine and made sure I dreamt about it. Then I woke up tasting onions. Onions. At 7 AM. For breakfast. Against my will. Never had an onion pie in my life, yet here we are. My multidimensional taste buds: “We ball.”

    Anyway, spiritual update: I’m in a heart purge. Again. Second one this year. The first one felt like God pressed CTRL+ALT+DELETE on my old self. This round is “just emotional,” which is rich because my face currently looks like I lost a fistfight with my own tear ducts, and my head is pounding like a rave in a tin can. Apparently my emotional faucet was calcified like an old kettle, and now that it’s unclogged here come the waterworks. So here I am. Hydrating like someone who’s been sobbing in HD. Pillows soaked. Cool. Cool cool cool cool. A little Abed in my head to keep the shrink away. 

    Now, about this whole awakening thing. Turns out the life force doesn’t just pop in, say hi, and leave. No. Mine pulled up like it won a life-long GA Travel Card. First one? 2023. Sneaky. Haven’t even noticed it back then. Root to crown. It was like a Trenord train with zero announcements. Second one? 2025. The Big Boy. Crown to root. This one came like a bullet train and forgot to announce anything. 

    Crown was actually vibey, full Avatar State, fun tricks, existential sparkles. Heart? Near-death experience vibes. Root? My dog passed and my nervous system said: “Let’s collapse.” Straight into a dark night of the soul. And when it had finally hit the root this year? I thought, “Oh cool, we’re done.”

    HAHAHAHAHA. Have another mobility injury. Then we go back up. Sacral, Solar Plexus. Those were fun. Creative spark? Here. Cozy home? Check. Self-love, self-care? Bring it in. I’d have to say the 3rd time around is like a ride on a double-decker SBB train, with all the announcements in couple of languages: Nächster Halt/Prochain arrêt/Next stop: Heart Main Station.  

    So we arrive at: Heart Main Station at Platform 3, and need to get on a bus to Heart Purge Town, for the third time. It’s a trip nobody asked for. First one that I know of was in 2024. At least I had cuddles that night. Sigh. 

    Do I appreciate the journey? Yeah. Totally. But waking up randomly without doing any breathwork, chants, or 47-step kundalini rituals? Rude. Zero consent. And yes, I blamed the man I met. Hard. For months. Then my ego took a coffee break and I went: “Oh. Well. It was meant to be, apparently.” 

    The audacity this man had to trigger a cosmic reboot in me. I hope he’s not out there completely unaffected after throwing me into the flames of my own life force when I didn’t ask for it. I hope life throws him into a snowball fight. Like kids are throwing snowballs at each other peacefully and he accidentally walks into the crossfire. Just for balance.

    Anyway, here’s the moral: I’m not special. You’re not special. Nobody’s special. You just don’t notice this stuff until something in your life shakes loose. Sometimes it’s your trauma. Sometimes it’s your love life. Sometimes it’s someone else’s root chakra exploding across timelines like a confetti cannon, and you catch the shrapnel in your crown. Sometimes one man’s accident is another woman’s activation, apparently. Don’t even ask me how. I’ve stopped trying to understand. It’s not possible at this point. 

    So let it purge. Let it flow. Let it yeet whatever needs to be yeeted.

    Then drink hot cocoa. Tea with honey. And more water than you think is humanly necessary. And sleep. Your body’s basically doing system updates at this point. 

  • Rowan and Maris had lived in the same neighborhood for years. Same streets, same cafés, same grocery stores. They’d run into each other here and there; a bite to eat, a walk, a casual hangout. Nothing dramatic, nothing “plot twist” worthy. Just two people orbiting in the same little corner of the world.

    Rowan was older. The archetype of the sporty, fit guy who dressed with effortless minimalism and chased anything that made him feel free. He didn’t sit with his emotions; he outran them. He filled his calendar with friends, casual dates, work, travel, anything that offered a hit of dopamine, adrenaline, or distraction. He loved parties, substances, loud music. On the outside, he looked calm, grounded, chill. Inside, he overthought everything. Calculated every move. Carried an insecurity he tried to hide under all that nonchalance.

    His need for validation came from a quiet place: parents who loved him but didn’t see him. They never acknowledged how hard he worked, how strong he had been. So he smoked to quiet the noise. He smoked to sleep. Peace was always an external effort.

    Maris was his opposite. Less socially outgoing, introverted unless she was with her tiny inner circle. She grew up misunderstood, even by her parents. An only child with the weight of an entire lineage sitting on her shoulders. Mistakes weren’t allowed. Emotions meant weakness. She spent her childhood excelling because she had to, not because she wanted to. A predetermined career in design by age nine. A life as an athlete she never asked for. Competing when all she wanted was to escape into her imagination.

    Maris belonged to nature: sea, forest, wind. The slow life. She felt everything deeply; a sponge soaking up the energy of every room, every environment. She needed silence, solitude, space. She never fit in anywhere: not in the country she grew up in, not in the country she moved to, not in any belief system she tried to make sense of. People sensed she was different, called her weird, a witch, an alien. Rejected her intuition, and chipped away at her self-worth until it hit rock bottom. Her life collapsed. She ran to the mountains, to cold air, to nature, just to keep breathing.

    Maris was lost. Rowan was maintaining a self-care routine that felt alien to her. He was like a foreign species when they first met. A sweet one, but still foreign. And somehow, this random man who showed up out of nowhere ended up teaching her some of the biggest lessons of her life.

    Then the universe did what it always does: it cornered them both.

    Their mobility injuries forced them to slow down. Forced Rowan to sit with himself, truly sit. No running. No escape routes. He had to learn emotional regulation from the inside out. He had to accept life instead of fighting it. He accepted he couldn’t rationalize everything. He started believing in something bigger, not religion, but trust. “What’s meant will unfold. God knows what He’s doing.”

    Maris reached similar truths from a different path. She faced her past, her traumas, the masks she wore since she was 13. Her unaligned friendships fell apart. She broke apart and rebuilt herself. She made new aligned friendships. She went to the city that made her feel whole to work out her “inner peace” muscle. She practiced showing up fully aligned, calm, and heart-centered; learning the vibes of peace firsthand. So that later, she could carry that energy wherever she went, no need for a grounding, chill human (or a city) to do it for her. She could be whole on her own. Fully, unapologetically, complete.

    Her anxiety was coming from her need to control the unfolding of her life, and her lack of trust in the bigger picture. She released control. “Even when nothing makes sense, it always unfolds the way it’s supposed to. It may not look like what I imagined, but everything works out for my good, God loves all of us. He wants what’s best for us, and I do not have to control anything.” She found God, again. This time not in a dogmatic religious label.

    And then life brought them together again. But this time, both were different.

    Rowan had become strong enough to hold her without collapsing himself. Maris trusted herself now. She didn’t search for answers outside; she looked inward. She wasn’t doubting anymore. She wasn’t chasing. He wasn’t running. She was grounded. He was steady. She was emotionally regulated. And he neither avoided her, nor himself. She wasn’t rushing, she was patient. Her stubbornness had dissolved into thin air as she matured. He was already aware, mature, and now so was she.

    They co-existed instead of clashing. Maris introduced him to gentler ways of regulating the mind and body; natural supplements, calming practices, nervous system hygiene. Rowan brought her structure. Stability. Boundaries. He showed her consistency, a kind of presence she wasn’t used to. They both gave each other space. They both appreciated each other. Maris knew it took a great deal of strength to be able to ground someone as floaty as herself. She acknowledged how strong Rowan was. And Rowan held her softness, protected and cherished it like a precious treasure.

    She stopped over-giving. He respected her limits. She held space for him without judgement when he had hard days. He softened. She sharpened without losing her warmth. His motivation for fitness shifted from ego to longevity as he faced his mere mortality and saw he was in fact not invincible. Hers went from endurance to energetic flow, strengthening her body so that it can hold her energy without crumbling. They both stopped using movement to escape and started using it to stay healthy.

    They both stopped procrastinating and delaying what they didn’t want to face. They communicated clearly without bottling anything up and exploding later in their own ways. Maris had her own creative outlets, and Rowan stopped being a people-pleaser and realized his feelings and words mattered. That he could speak up without fear of rejection, or fear of creating conflict.

    They loved, respected and appreciated each other deeply.

    In that balance, they created a world where their daughter, Lumi, could thrive. Safe. Seen. Expressive. Barefoot, laughing, playful, free to be her wonderfully ridiculous self. No pressure to fit in. No pressure to dim her imagination.

    Maris shared her dreams; Rowan trusted her intuition. She guided with feeling; he grounded with action. Together, they created not from attachment or fear, but alignment. And that gave Lumi the safest environment possible.

    And yes, they lived happily. But not because their relationship saved them. Because they saved themselves first.

    This is a story about inner harmony; the polar energies inside each of us. Rowan and Maris represent every person’s inner masculine and inner feminine, and Lumi our inner child. Of course they may look different for each person, but what I have found out that people in similar journeys have similar blueprints and architecture. 

    At the beginning of the story, they were only “running into each other” because that’s exactly what we do internally, shifting between polarities as they awaken at different times. Some people barely notice. Some people live entire lifetimes without understanding which part of them is driving the wheel.

    But this journey? It leads to one destination: inner union. Balance. Peace. A stable system. A life lived from alignment with one’s authentic self shed from conditioning, trauma, false-beliefs with integration, not through escapism. Coming home to yourself. To home-frequency. 

    When these polar energies are balanced within, we can start living from our hearts, with love. Not as an attachment, not as a feeling, but as a frequency. As a way of being. Simply existing with the flow of life and of universe:

    Drifting along the river of dreams, floating with the current of the stars, dancing with the tides of time, sailing the ocean of our souls and gliding through the waves of destiny.

    I don’t know yet what life will look like now that I’m whole within myself. All I know is that I met Rowan in the flesh so that I could eventually meet, and heal; my inner Rowan, my inner Maris, and my inner Lumi. So that I could come into harmony. So that I could stand on my own. So that I could become whole. All I know, is that I do not need to control anything. And I can let myself go, because God is there, as He always has been. 

  • Self-love tip: make your home a place you actually want to be. Not just a pit-stop where your soul slowly rots between Zoom calls and half-eaten snacks. A home you can’t wait to go back to. A place that says: “Yeah, I see you. Come in. Chill. You deserve this.”

    Today I rearranged furniture. That’s it. Simple. Took me two years to think of it. TWO. YEARS. And suddenly my tiny apartment went from “meh” to “holy cow, this is home.” That coffee table I got a few weeks ago? Sweet budget-friendly IKEA magic. Candles? Multiple. Pillows? Too many. Go wild, folks. You literally can’t go wrong.

    My home vibes like a chill girl who has: a shell (and stone) obsession (because yes, these are heirloom grade), handmade mini-surfboards (sanded for hours and painted by yours truly), named plants (all remembered, obviously, because I have priorities), and mood lights cause that’s the ultimate “ambiance that recharges you” item. 

    And then there’s me. Dress code: flat shoes, black jeans, T-shirt tucked in, black belt, black zipped hoodie, black jacket, green beanie. Ruggedly handsome inner masculine vibes coming back home: soft, cozy, feminine paradise. Balance achieved. The power couple. My inner masculine (woodworking, sporty king, calm, structured, disciplined, self-worth, protective) + my inner feminine (candles, shells, aesthetic perfection, mood lights, intuition, art, cozy vibes, good food). They’re keeping my inner child thriving, not just surviving. The “three” of “us?” We finally unlocked the ultimate chill level. 

    This era? Me dating myself. Me hugging my creative spark that came back from a 5-year hibernation slumber party. Me being cozy AF. And yes… no flip flops given. 😘

    And I can finally exhale, “ah yes, life’s good.” 

  • Because teleportation is clearly not coming fast enough.

    I couldn’t help but wonder… how many cities can one woman occupy before someone from NASA shows up with a clipboard and a gentle but concerned, “Ma’am, we need a word.”

    Because apparently, I’m now living a tri‑city lifestyle without paying tri‑city rent. It started harmlessly enough, the classic “I’m physically here but mentally elsewhere” situation. Cute. Harmless. Standard issue daydreaming.

    But this year? Oh, we’ve crossed into full‑blown multidimensional comedy.

    I can be at my desk in Milan, pretending to care about emails, while simultaneously skating in Bern like some happiness‑powered forest goblin at 5pm. I can be making tea in my apartment and suddenly feel the cold Bern air kiss my skin with the first snowfall of the season like I’m starring in a low-budget Swiss tourism commercial. I can wake up in my Milan bed… and also feel like I’ve just opened my eyes to a cozy Vienna morning. Vienna joined the party out of nowhere. Zero warning. Just popped up like, “Hey girl, mind if I manifest too?”

    And let’s talk weather. My body has apparently become a human satellite dish. Sunny in Bern? I know it. Raining? Feel it. Snowing? Absolutely. I still check the weather app, not because I doubt myself, but because I enjoy being right. And so far? Un-defeated. Hire me, MeteoSwiss. I’m ready. I’ll bring my own snacks.

    Now, I’ve said for years that a part of me lives in Bern rent‑free. When I visit, everything feels aligned. When I leave, it’s like a vital organ forgot to get on the train with me. Painful, slightly dramatic, but accurate.

    So maybe my clone really is there. Maybe she’s living her best Swiss life with no taxes, no commute, just cheese, river strolls, and financial irresponsibility. Meanwhile I’m in Milan paying actual human rent like a peasant.

    Do I know how any of this works? Absolutely not. Do I care? Also no.

    It’s basically free teleportation. Last year, I begged for someone to invent teleportation so I could pop into Bern whenever I wanted. And the universe basically said, “Sure, babe, but it’ll be the energetic version. Physical teleportation is still in beta.” Which, to be fair, explains how I could smell BBQ at Eichholz this summer and taste chicken while working out in a Milan gym, without having ever been to Eichholz. Either my brain is glitching… or my energy body is on a non-stop vacation.

    And then there are the dreams. The absolute cherry on top. These aren’t symbolic or dramatic. They are mundane, delightfully boring scenes from my parallel Bern life:

    Groceries. Eating out. Coffee. Beer. Shopping. Walking around. Sitting by the Aare –pre‑construction era only, because apparently my subconscious respects urban planning timelines. Sadly, Aare dreams are discontinued for now. I even went to Ropetech Seilpark in a dream. Didn’t know it existed. Three months later? I see a flyer. Cute of my subconscious to send me on field trips. Now I have drinks at the Sternenmarkt dreams. Which is acceptable given the timing. 

    Sometimes I dream of places I’ve never been, and months later I end up there in waking life, and everything matches: layout, weather, background NPC characters. I acknowledge the glitches, nod politely to the universe, and pretend this is all extremely normal.

    And the events… oh, the events. I’ve been to Gurtenfest, energetically and in dreams, specifically on the first and last day because even my subconscious says, “We’re not doing the full festival, babe, be serious.” I woke up with my ears ringing from dream-concert volume. Before the festival there was the Parkonia techno night: which I only learned was real because Instagram told me a week later. And of course, the Cheese Fair. A charming, dairy-infused delight. Apparently I’m not missing out on anything by not physically being there. 

    The funniest part? I never know the dates of these events. Then I check, and they’re always happening.

    At this point my clone theory is basically running for the win. She’s probably wearing practical shoes and thriving.

    But yeah… even free teleportation gets exhausting. I had to take a little break from visiting Bern in waking life, because I’m still a human with actual responsibilities and taxes to pay.

    So if you live in Bern and see a heart wandering around, please don’t smush it. Keep her safe. Maybe offer her cheese. She’s mine, apparently. And if you find my twin? Let her know I’d love to compare schedules.

  • Nothing whispers “mission accomplished” softer than uniting with your own energy after years of chasing nervous system regulation like it was a limited-edition NFT. Yeah. I said it. Me, myself, and my vibe: finally in alignment. Chill, calm, and absolutely unwilling to outsource my peace ever again.

    And then there’s my creative spark. Oh, the elusive little rascal. Vanished years ago like it was dodging taxes, only to waltz back in a few nights ago with, “Hi, remember me? Let’s doodle.” Not AI-generated, thank you very much. AI could try, but it doesn’t have my brain’s level of chaotic brilliance. My head is basically a Pinterest board for symbolic dreams, very specific snack cravings, mixing things I love (the Aare, fondue and the animals at Dählhölzli) into an artwork. Think an alternate universe Bern where the Aare is flowing fondue, the herbivorous zoo animals have turned into cheese eaters, and they’re having a “fondueschwumm” meanwhile the carnivorous ones are BBQing at Eichholz. Don’t worry they bought the meats from supermarkets, no zoo animals were harmed making these illustrations. Yay my child level absurd creativity is back. 

    So there I am, cozy-ass apartment, candles flickering like tiny, passive-aggressive cheerleaders, fake sunlight doing its best impression of a tropical vacation, playful music playing like it has insider knowledge of my mood swings. I’m drawing. Then I’m sawing wood. Sanding it. Smelling the nostalgia of sawdust from childhood… it’s literally the adult version of playing with Lego, but with a hint of meditative stillness. Maybe I inherited some of my dad’s craftsmanship genes, maybe I’m just happy to have something that doesn’t require Wi-Fi.

    Oh, and yes, I’m on a social-media hiatus. Hermit mode: activated. I posted my illustrations in my stories, called my mom (hi, mom!), that’s it. No notifications. No external stimulation. Just me, my thoughts, and the occasional existential chuckle.

    Because sometimes, hermit mode isn’t “antisocial,” it’s the height of self-love. It’s a soft rebellion against chaos: “I’m too peaceful to scroll. I will eat the Rösti and let my tastebuds dance. I will sip my tea. I will spend time with my plants.”

    In the quietest, softest way, life throws random surges of happiness at me as well. Love. Gratitude. Little nudges that feel like someone sprinkled edible glitter on my aura. It feels… yummy. Like, I-can’t-believe-this-is-real-but-it-is yummy.

    And the icing on the cake? My inner runner and inner chaser finally RSVPed “yes” to the self-love party. No drama, no chasing, no fleeing. The party has one strict dress code: heart-centered vibes only. And the DJ? Yours truly, spinning only tracks approved by my nervous system.

    So here I am. Peaceful, calm, armed with my art, my sawdust, my emergency fondue and chocolate stashes, and a renewed appreciation for the absurdity of being human. No Bern. No cosmic outsourcing. Just me. My vibes. My energy.

    And truly? I’ve entered my “I lived, I healed, and I’m kinda hot about it” era. I’m living proof you can survive full‑body ego extractions, spiritual plot twists that make telenovelas look subtle, dark nights, emotional detoxes, cosmic curveballs, karmic escape rooms, entanglements so confusing they deserved subtitles, identity deaths, resurrection arcs, and whatever the hell you call “healing while inhaling sawdust.”

    And somehow? I came out of it with good skin, working chakras, and a nervous system that no longer files HR complaints about my lifestyle.

    So no, I wasn’t supposed to be a monk. Or the next Buddha!? I’m still me, just healed and regulated. Plus balanced, finally. I’ve been craving balance more than some Libras I know. 

    But here’s the humbling part: I’m fully aware life might drag me into another dark night if there’s more junk to peel off. And that’s fine (optionally I can really live without one.) But right now? I’m enjoying the absolute hell out of this peace.

    Because me (and the pillows that have absorbed several liters of my emotional hydration), we earned this era.

    And I’m unapologetically YAYing to that.

  • I couldn’t help but wonder, why do we treat our homes like pit stops instead of sanctuaries?

    In relationships, we crave that can’t-wait-to-see-them energy. We text them on the way home, already imagining the conversations, the cuddles, the snacks. So why don’t we feel the same way about coming home to ourselves?

    Maybe the truth is… most of us don’t actually want to spend time with ourselves. We’ve become the partner who’s “too busy,” who doomscrolls through the silence, who binge-watches Netflix just to avoid ourselves.

    Because if you think about it… your relationship with yourself is a relationship. And much like in any relationship, too much screen time kills the vibe. You can’t exactly build intimacy when you’re both staring at your phones or binging shows, even if “both” just means you and your inner child sitting in the same room while you doomscroll.

    So here’s the little self-love audit no one asked for: If you were dating yourself: how’s that relationship going?

    Do you communicate honestly, or do you ghost your emotions until they show up uninvited at 2 a.m.?

    Do you spend quality time with yourself, or do you just… watch Netflix in silence and actually avoid sitting with yourself?

    Do you cook nice meals for yourself, or are you in a long-term situationship with takeout?

    Do you surprise yourself with gifts just because, or wait for someone else to find you “worth” them?

    Are you consistently loving yourself or do you flake on some days?

    Do you take yourself out, or are you still waiting for company to start living your life?

    Do you choose yourself every single day, know your worth and hold onto your boundaries, or are you neglecting your own heart?

    Do you consciously take some time in your day-to-day to make yourself happy or are you being lazy in your commitment to yourself? 

    If your answer to most of these is “ehhh,” congratulations: you’ve just discovered why you sometimes feel disconnected. You’ve been neglecting you.

    And if you take a look back at your relationships with emotionally unavailable people, you’ll see every mirror they held up to your face. Every time you bent your boundaries, every moment you sold yourself short, every place you were starving for love you hadn’t yet given yourself. The key takeaway? It’s the same every time: choose yourself.

    We spend so much time longing for people who make us feel safe, seen, and at peace, but the truth is, you can build that with yourself. Make your home somewhere you can’t wait to come back to. Make your own energy your favorite company.

    Because at the end of the day, you’re the longest relationship you’ll ever have, and honestly, you’re a catch.

    So light the candles. Put on that playlist. Cook yourself something sexy. And when you walk through your door at the end of the day, I hope you think, “ahh, finally, I’m home and I get to spend time with me.” 

  • It gives you a song that activates your party mode like a hidden cheat code you forgot existed.

    One moment you’re minding your business. The next? You’re vibing to a song you swear you’ve never heard… but your subconscious is dancing like it’s 2024. Memories you didn’t know were still in storage suddenly come online like: “Hello? Hi? We’ve been here the whole time, bestie.”

    And the beat? Oh, the beat. It’s one of those rhythms that demands flashing party lights. The kind of lights that flicker perfectly in sync with the bass drop. The exact lights that –plot twist– were last seen at the apartment of someone who said he was going to bring them back.

    Did he? No. Did I want them back? Also no. At the time, my energy was basically like, “I don’t want them back. That was our thing. I’m never gonna use them again.” 

    Fast-forward to today, and suddenly I’m standing at the office, feeling a deep spiritual need to recreate a private disco when I go back home. Turns out Enlightened Me forgot how much Party Goblin Me loves ambiance.

    So naturally… I ordered new ones. Upgraded. Stronger. Possibly powerful enough to signal aliens.

    I may not have my spontaneous joy-rave tonight. But tomorrow? Tomorrow I might be ready to throw a solo party so iconic even my past lives show up. Or I might completely be in another mood that doesn’t need party lights. 

    Because sometimes life doesn’t hand you lemons. Sometimes it hands you a beat, a craving, and a tracking email that says: “Your order will arrive tomorrow.”